🎉 APRIL FOOLS' DAY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT — NSLS-III IS NOW ACCEPTING PROPOSALS! 🎉
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NSLS
III

National Synchrotron Light Source III Next-Generation User Facility  ·  Bruhaven National Laboratory  ·  Downton, NY

🔬 BREAKING: PIZZA beamline achieves 0.3 Å resolution on mozzarella crystallite — first-ever proof that cheese is actually a mineral  ·  ☕ HCN beamline discovers why office coffee tastes like sadness — Nature paper forthcoming  ·  🐱 LOL beamline captures quantum entanglement between cat and Schrödinger box in real time  ·  🌮 TACO beamline oversubscribed by 9000% — beam time awarded by taco-eating contest  ·  😴 SNOOZE beamline reports record 14-hour uninterrupted data collection with zero useful results  ·  🦆 WTF beamline detects mysterious quacking resonance in superconducting samples — cause unknown  ·  📢 Next proposal deadline: April 2, 9999 (subject to change)
Now Open · April 1, 2026

The World's Most Advanced — and Confusing — Light Source

NSLS-III upgrades everything you loved about NSLS-II by adding a third ring, a fourth dimension, and an on-site artisanal coffee shop. With 42 experimental stations spanning infrared to hard X-rays, gamma rays, and vibes, NSLS-III enables scientists to study literally anything — including things that shouldn't be studied.

Next proposal deadline: May 31, 9999 at 11:59 p.m. ET  |  Submission Details
42Beamlines (+ 1 secret)
6 GeVElectron Energy (doubled for fun)
10²³Photons/s (Avogadro approved)
∞Pending Proposals
4DStorage Ring Shape

About NSLS-III

Building on the spectacular legacy of NSLS-II, the National Synchrotron Light Source III represents a $47 trillion investment in science that nobody asked for but everybody needed. The facility's cutting-edge, large-energy electron storage ring (6 billion electron-volts — twice as many as NSLS-II because more is always better) generates ultrabright, highly caffeinated beams of light ranging from far-infrared to hard X-rays to very hard X-rays. NSLS-III operates 42 experimental stations, each named using a carefully peer-reviewed acronym that spells something embarrassing. Together with visiting researchers, interdisciplinary teams at NSLS-III explore the frontiers of science, technology, and occasionally philosophy.

Featured Beamlines

HCN
Hot Coffee Nanoprobe
Sub-nanometre imaging of your morning beverage using focused X-ray fluorescence and regret.
Science Case: Determining why office-brewed coffee consistently tastes like thermal insulation. Results expected never.
PIZZA
Photon Imaging for Zesty Zone Analysis
The world's only synchrotron beamline dedicated entirely to pizza science. Tomato sauce tomography available.
Science Case: Mapping cheese crystallite nucleation during cooling. First paper proves mozzarella is technically a mineral.
LOL
Light of Laughter Spectroscopy
Inelastic X-ray scattering to probe why things are funny at the molecular level.
Science Case: Quantum tomography of a cat simultaneously landing and not landing on its feet. Schrödinger was wrong.
WTF
Warp Time Flux beamline
Ultrafast pump-probe experiments operating faster than peer review. Results arrive before the experiment starts.
Science Case: Understanding anomalous quacking resonance observed in cuprate superconductors below Tc. Source unknown. DOE unconcerned.
SNOOZE
Synchrotron Napping & Overnight Operations of Zero Excitement
Low-flux, long-duration measurements for researchers who prefer watching paint dry at atomic resolution.
Science Case: Characterising the crystallographic evolution of dried latex paint in real time. 14-hour scan. 0 useful peaks. Published in Physical Review Letters.
BBQ
Beamline for Barbeque Quantification
In-situ hard X-ray diffraction and thermal imaging of grilling processes. Sample environment includes actual grill.
Science Case: Tracking Maillard reaction kinetics in beef at the atomic scale. Department of Vibecoding and Midnight Commits Office of Science grant #YUMMY-2026.
TACO
Tomographic Analysis of Culinary Objects
High-speed 3D X-ray tomography of Mexican cuisine. 9000% oversubscribed. Beam time allocated by competitive taco-eating contest.
Science Case: Non-destructive imaging of hard-shell vs. soft-shell taco structural integrity under gravitational loading. Collaborating with NASA.
YOLO
Yellow Object Luminescence Observatory
Fluorescence imaging of produce. Specialises in bananas but accepts other yellow things if they fill out the proper form.
Science Case: Investigating anomalous UV luminescence of banana peels. Preliminary data suggest bananas are plotting something.
NAPS
Nanoscale Analysis of Procrastination Science
Quantum mechanical investigation of the fundamental forces that prevent graduate students from finishing their theses.
Science Case: Measuring the activation energy barrier for writing the introduction section of a dissertation. Estimated at 47 kJ/mol·distraction.
BRUH
Brilliant Radiation, Utter Helplessness
General-purpose undulator beamline for experiments whose PIs didn't read the call for proposals carefully.
Science Case: Open call. Submit anything. We'll figure it out. Probably.
FOMO
Fluorescence of Mystery Objects
XRF imaging for samples you found in the back of the fridge and are afraid to throw away.
Science Case: Elemental mapping of refrigerator leftovers. First run confirmed presence of 14 unidentified elements in a 3-week-old lasagna.
DOGE
Diffraction of Geological Extremities
High-pressure X-ray powder diffraction. Sample environment reaches 4 TPa, or, as we call it, "very squeeze."
Science Case: Testing whether you can turn a dog treat into a diamond under sufficient pressure. So far: no. But the dog seems happy.
BAR
Beam Absorption & Refreshment
The world's only beamline with a fully licensed bar. Sample holders double as drink coasters. Beam time awarded in rounds.
Science Case: Investigating the effect of ethanol concentration on crystallographic decision-making. Reproducibility degrades sharply after the third sample. Happy hour: 5–7 p.m. (beam permitting).
PUB
Photon Utilisation Bunker
A cozy hutch fitted with darts, a jukebox, and a detector. The only beamline where "last orders" refers to both drinks and scan queues.
Science Case: Studying the phase transition of peanuts from solid to powder under synchrotron illumination. Adjacent BAR beamline provides essential control samples. Two papers pending; one author asleep under the sample stage.

💻 Data Science and Systems Integration (DSSI)

DSSI is the elite squadron of software wizards, controls engineers, and self-proclaimed "data whisperers" who keep NSLS-III from accidentally lasing into the parking lot. Their motto: "Works on my computer"

🐍 Bluesky
Python-based experiment control framework. Supports every detector ever made except the one you brought. Currently at version 2.0.0-april-fools.
"It's not a bug, it's a undocumented feature."
⚙️ EPICS
Controls 47,000 PVs across the facility. Nobody knows what 12,000 of them do. Attempts to rename them are met with a two-year committee review.
"Channel Access: because UDP was too reliable."
🤖 ILLUMINE
AI-driven autonomous experiment steering. The algorithm has so far steered one experiment into a wall and published a paper attributing this to "novel sample geometry discovery."
Accuracy: 94% on training data, 12% on actual samples.
✈️ Flyscanning
Continuous "on-the-fly" data collection instead of tedious point-by-point scanning. Generates 4 TB/hour. Data analysis pipeline ETA: 2031.
"We can collect it faster than we can understand it."
🦾 Self-Driving Robots
Open-source robotics for autonomous sample handling. Prototype has successfully loaded 3 samples and launched 1 sample into the beam stop at Mach 0.3.
"Reproducibility: statistically indistinguishable from a grad student."
📊 Tiled
Data access and cataloging service. Find any dataset from the last 10 years — assuming you remember what you called it and which beamline you were on.
Metadata quality: "optimistic."

🏆 DSSI was awarded the 2026 Golden Keyboard Trophy for most GitHub commits made between midnight and 3 a.m. Director William Stuarts was reportedly "not surprised." DSSI is hiring — experience with Python, EPICS, and existential dread required.

🔍 Official DSSI Policy on git blame: All repositories have a .gitblame-shield file listing the names of people who are definitely not responsible for any given line of code. The file currently contains every name in the NSLS-III staff directory. In cases where git blame points to a commit made at 2:47 a.m. with the message "fix fix fix fix PLEASE", the author is officially listed as Nobody <nobody@bnl.gov> and the incident is sealed until 2075 under the Freedom of Information Act.

😴 Field Report: The hklpy Installation Dream
At 3:15 a.m. on a Tuesday, an unnamed beamline scientist fell asleep at their desk mid-shift. What followed was later documented in an official DSSI incident report: "Subject reported that two DSSI engineers materialized from the shadows of the hutch, laptops open, pip install hklpy already running before any greeting was exchanged. The engineers spoke only in diffractometer geometry names — 'E4CV,' 'ZAXIS,' 'PETRA3' — and communicated exclusively through pull request comments. Subject attempted to ask what a reciprocal lattice vector was. The engineers exchanged a glance. One opened a 47-tab browser window. The other whispered: 'it's just math.' Installation completed in 4 minutes. Calibration took 6 weeks. Subject woke up to find hklpy actually installed on the beamline IOC with a sticky note reading: 'You're welcome. — DSSI'"
The scientist has since published three papers using hklpy and still does not fully understand what happened.

📅 Seminars / Events

  • APR 1
    NSLS-III Grand Opening
    April 1, 2026 · Experimental Floor · Cake provided. Not scientifically characterized.
  • APR 1
    Seminar: "My Sample Is Just Vibes"
    Prof. I. M. Confused · NSLS-III Auditorium · 2:00 p.m.
  • APR 2
    Workshop: Grant Writing with ChatGPT
    Results may or may not describe your actual experiment.
  • APR 15
    Symposium on Unexplained Quacking
    WTF beamline team presents preliminary findings. Bring earplugs.

🔭 NEXT-IIIIIIIIIIII — New Beamline Proposals

NEXT-IIIIIIIIIIII is the formal process by which the NSLS-III user community proposes new experimental stations for the facility. All proposals undergo a rigorous 47-step peer review process, concluding in a binding vote conducted exclusively via reply-all email thread. Current call is open. Estimated decision timeline: geological.

APPROVED ✅ ZZZZZ — Beamline for Napping Studies

Proposed by: Prof. A. Sleepe, University of Restchester
Science case: Low-dose X-ray illumination of sleeping subjects to determine whether grant deadlines are visible in the brain at atomic resolution. Sample environment includes a cot, a weighted blanket, and white noise generator. Beam energy chosen to maximise drowsiness.

UNDER REVIEW 🔄 WIFI — Wavefront Imaging of Forgotten Infrastructure

Proposed by: DSSI, BNL (self-submitted)
Science case: Coherent X-ray imaging of the NSLS-III network cable infrastructure to locate the router nobody has touched since 2019. Preliminary scans suggest the router is in a state of quantum superposition between "working fine" and "deeply broken." Review stalled — reviewer's VPN won't connect.

UNDER REVIEW 🔄 OOPS — Omnidirectional Operations of Peculiar Samples

Proposed by: Anonymous (IP traced to hutch B)
Science case: General-purpose beamline for samples that were accidentally dropped, mislabelled, or sent to the wrong facility entirely. Dedicated "mystery sample" queue. All results published regardless of quality under the journal Whatever, Let's See. Proposal submitted without title page. Committee impressed.

REJECTED ❌ DARK — Definitely A Real Kind-of beamline

Proposed by: Dr. N. Otreal, Institute for Made-Up Physics
Science case: Detection of dark matter using a beamline that emits no photons. Budget request: $2.4B. Staffing: 1 postdoc (part-time). Review committee noted that "a beamline that emits no light is just a dark room." PI responded: "Exactly." Rejected. PI has resubmitted as a DOE Grand Challenge.

REJECTED ❌ VIBE — Very Intense Beam Experience

Proposed by: A grad student at 11:58 p.m. on the deadline
Science case: "Basically just really good X-rays, vibes-based alignment, and a Spotify playlist curated for optimal diffraction." Proposal was 2 pages, including cover art. Rejected on scientific merit. Shortlisted for best cover art. PI has since graduated and is now a barista.

📝
Submit Your Proposal
Got a beamline idea? Any idea? We accept everything.
Deadline: April 2, 9999
Min. pages: 1  ·  Max. pages: ∞
Required sections: Title (optional)
Submit Now

ℹ️ All NEXT-IIIIIIIIIIII proposals are reviewed by a panel of 12 scientists, 3 administrators, 1 facilities manager, and a golden retriever named Maxwell (conflict-of-interest waiver on file). Approved beamlines will be constructed subject to funding, space, physics, and vibes.

📅 NSLS-III Operations Schedule 2026

NSLS-III operates beam exclusively on weekends and federal holidays — when scientists are most likely to be unavailable and unable to complain about beam quality. All other days are reserved for critical facility maintenance activities. Each column = one day. Each row = a 2-hour block.

User Operations Holiday Beam (extra bright) Chill Out / Printer Repair Emergency Printer Jam

⚠️ This is an April Fools' Day parody of NSLS-II at Bruhaven National Laboratory. NSLS-III does not exist (yet). No scientists were harmed in the making of this website. All beamline acronyms are intentionally ridiculous. The real NSLS-II is an extraordinary facility doing genuinely important science — please visit bnl.gov/nsls2.